The Lady of the Sues
by Quendi AKA Sue Hunter
Summary: Mary-Sues have taken over Middle-earth! Oh no! Only certain people continue to defy this ever growing threat, this spawn of Morgoth. Two very unlikely groups, but will they manage to unite, even if for a short time, and overthrow this horrible regime? Or will the Sues land victorious, and continue to ruin our lives?
1. In Which We Learn of Areas Infected

**a/n: Mary-Sues have taken over Middle-earth! Everyone has fallen into their trap, except for two certain groups…**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned it, would I be writing fanfiction for it? No, I think not. **

**This is a parody, so expect some purple prose. This is the first fanfiction I'm uploading, and I haven't written anything in ages. I don't see how that makes a difference though. Anyway, onward with the story! **

**1. Rivendell**

_The Sues have taken over._

That was what Lord Elrond of Rivendell thought as he was locked in the small room. It was a surprise attack, really. Something, he had sensed a long time ago, had finally come. It was evil comparable to Morgoth.

They came in groups. Giggling groups of young human girls. Then Elves with unnatural non-Elvish beauty. Then the Valar!Sues began to come. Soon, more and more girls fell into Middle-earth. Sometimes, there was a boy with them.

They had renamed Imladris. It was now Whthiha*, and Elrond had been imprisoned. Every now and then a Sue would come and talk to him. It was terrible, a torture of the highest degree.

Arwen was in the dungeons. The Sues decided to act merciful and not kill the Evenstar. Elrond knew it would be today, when their Leader, Lady Elwen came and tossed him in there too. Rivendell never had a dungeon, but the Sues had created one. They came in fair guises with foul intentions, though not to their own mind.

"Elrond." It was a Mary-Sue. Her hair was light blond and silky. Her skin was smooth and clear, and her neck was ridiculously long. She blinked her large, aqua-marine eyes. "Queen Elwen of Whthiha has asked for you."

Elrond gave her a hard stare, and she quavered under his eyes. As soon as she did, however, two burly and muscle bound guards backed her up and snapped metal bracelets onto his hands. They were bound by a heavy chain that linked the cuffs together.

"I demand to see my daughter." Elrond didn't even want to think about what was happening to his sons. All the things he imagined...

"Elly-rond, you're going to see her today."

"Not in the dungeons." Surprisingly, Elwen agreed and spoke in the strange Sue-ish language into the Sue-rectangle. It was Ing-lesh, and was only used for secret talk. Elrond prepared himself for what was about to come.

"Suilaid Ada!" a woman who resembled Arwen but not quite said, walking in.

"This is not Arwen. She is of your kind."

"You're much cleverer than people make you out to be. Take him away! You'll find your sons are in good hands," Elwen smirked.

Arwen sat on the floor. She had cried so much all her tears were gone; there were none left to spend.

The first light she had seen in days almost blinded her Elf-eyes. It was her father!

"Adar, I do not know what to do."

Together, they comforted each other. Food seemed to appear out of nowhere, but the dungeons were highly guarded and there was no getting out weaponless.

**2. Gondor**

Cassidy sighed. Recently, Faramir had been allowed by Queen C'leniel of Gondor (which had survived the name changes…sort of) to go to the marketplace. However, he was under firm orders to return straight back…and now he had disappeared to somewhere they never mentioned in the movies!** It was so unfair.

Still, life in Gondor wasn't too bad. Still, it was full of mostly human girls whose plotlines involved themselves falling into Middle-earth. Still, Boromir attempted to slay their kind.

"Cassidy?" It was Karen, another like herself who had never read the source material.

"Hey Karen! What's up?" Cassidy asked. Apparently modern day earth's terminology had somehow survived.

"You know how Aragorn was supposed to be king?" Karen said, shyly and quietly.

"Hush!" Cassidy said. "You mustn't speak of it. Queen C'leniel is a wonderful queen. Don't usurp her."

"No! It's just…I have to journey to Rivendell." Karen said worriedly.

"Why? It's nice in Gondor."

"It is my destiny!" Karen cried. "I must, but I do not have the permission. You are high in her favor, you must come with me! I am sent by the Valar, a child of the Prophecy of Doom!" Sometimes Sues got dramatic and in character, forgetting the system and reverting into their stories.

"Karen?" Cassidy asked, confused.

"What?"

"What was…" Cassidy shook her hands around in the air. "That?"

"I dunno what you're talking about, love. Au revoir, Cassidy." And Karen left, leaving Cassidy. Cassidy decided the best place to go was the Queen. She was in charge, after all.

**3. Mirkwood**

"Oh, my, _Legolas_!" a high squeal echoed through the wine cellar, where Legolas was attempting to intoxicate himself.

"Leave me be, spawn of Morgoth!" the Elf spat. He had thought he would be safe in here for a little while, and it was far away from the main chambers.

"No! I have to tell everyone, I got him cornered! I'll be rewarded with two hours, at least!" the Sue said happily. She let out a five note whistle and Legolas winced, before jumping on her (the Sue squealed in delight, misinterpreting his actions) and bashing her head against the wall. Another three note whistle responded, Legolas's ears picking it up. He blew what he had learned was the response: "He got away! Continue activities!"

Later, the Sues would wonder why one of their kind had been brutally knocked out in the middle of an empty hallway. Legolas had made sure the cellar he had chosen was a small and concealed one.

The infestation was worse in Mirkwood. Legolas hadn't understood why until one day he found out all their weapons were gone and their was always someone in his bedroom. Eventually, he came here, a small enclosed cellar his father kept for very personal use. Unfortunately, the stronger stuff was kept in another cellar, near the Sue-Queen's room. Actually, it had been the Elvenking's room, but not anymore.

He sighed and sank down, shuddering. They were disgusting, foul, and beastlike. True, some of the Elves had fallen in love with them, but they seemed to enjoy Legolas's pain.

He raised a random bottle to his lips and let it slosh all over him. Perhaps if he smelled like alcohol they'd stay away…

**4. The Shire**

Frodo locked the door after the Sue ran away for a piece of seed-cake. They were most frightful, he thought to himself, as he drew all the curtains. Sam, Merry, and Pippin sat in chairs. There was a broken bottle of ale on the ground. The glass shard shimmered in the candle-light.

"Well? When do you think they'll leave?" Pippin asked through a mouthful of meat.

"Never, I daresay. I do hope they leave. They've got poor Rose Cotton trapped on a second floor dungeon, along with all the other hobbit women." Sam said sadly.

"Poor dear Estella," Merry added sadly. Frodo was quiet: he did not approve of the Sues. Especially the new Mayor: Lady Rosa.

**Author's Note: Not as funny as I hoped. Hit that button and tell me what you think, please. I need to know how I can improve it. A few notes:**

**Translations:**

**Suilaid - Greetings. This is Sindarin.**

**Ada - Father.**

***This name is the abbreviation of "Where Things Happen" a trend I've noticed in Sue-fic. Rivendell is considered a central area in some fanfics, so I thought I'd play on that. **

****Emyn Arnen. I don't think they ever mentioned such a place in the movies. Since I don't consider myself knowledgeable on the subject, let's just say Faramir is making camp there :) and he couldn't rescue his brother. **

**I think I enjoy attempting to intoxicate characters. This is a rather action-less chapter, but I had to plotbuild somehow...**


	2. In Which the Nazgûl Rescue People

**Author's Note: Thank you all who reviewed! **  
**Guest - Haha, that is the only way to kill them! **  
**Bronze Cat - You'll see : ) this is the chapter where it happens, haha. BTW, nice name.**  
**Dodectron - Thank you : ) **  
**This is a bit of a filler chapter. Trigger warning: there is some talk about rape. Nothing explicit though.**  
**I am also going with the Sauron has a bodily form, but don't worry. His eye is still fiery. Spitfire*, I think some people describe it as ;) **

**Onward with the story!**

"So, like, are you like, totally-"

"SILENCE!" The Witch-king of Angmar cried. Never had he been put under so much anguish. The Mary-Sues were _totally_ pissing him off. The first one who came to Mordor claimed to be the Tenth Nazgûl. Then there were all of Sauron's daughters. They all claimed to be the product of Elvish women Sauron had raped. The Witch-king remembered asking Sauron if had raped anyone.

"Master, but have you?"

"Have I what?" Sauron had snapped. His daughters were flirting with the Nazgûl again and half of the Orc armies were on strike. Something the Tenth Nazgûl had said was common where she was from.

"Raped Elvish women? Actually _had_ children?"

"No, you fool!" And now Sauron was extremely angry. Besides that, the shield maiden!Sues were always attempting to slay him. He had no idea where that came from.

"Die, foul beast!" one had screeched earlier. He had set her on fire and watched her burn with great pleasure. Then he was summoned by Sauron.

"Yes, dear Master?" he asked. The other Nazgûl were there also.

"I have received a message from Elrond of Imladris," Sauron said.

"What the hell daddy! He's on the other side!" one his daughters yelled. She was flicked out the window and into the Orc-quarters by Sauron, where her screams echoed loudly.

"He sent it on an eagle. He says we will make peace for a short time to eliminate the vermin," he gestured to where his "daughter" was still screaming. "So we can continue on with our lives." Sauron looked at them all with slightly probing eyes. The Witch-king squirmed. He was thinking, Sauron was. The Witch-king knew that.

"What shall we do?"

"You shall all ride to Rivendell. Free Elrond and his daughter, and his sons. Then bring them back here."

"Must we not eliminate the infestation also, Master?"

"Do not question my commands. The Sues must be taken by surprise. They have grown used to leisure and will be unprepared. Once Elrond is here, I will tell you what to do. And wear cloaks. GO!"

The Nazgûl fled quickly. They were not to slay any yet, but they had to get Elrond and his children. Though the thought disgusted them, it was their Master's order, but they hated Sues enough to do the job properly.

In several hours, they had reached Rivendell. Thankfully, the dungeon was not too hard to spot. There was a neon sign that said "DUNGEON" in large font.  
The Witch-king lowered his beast and got her to knock the bars off. Soon, Elrond and Arwen boarded. Elrond looked determined but Arwen looked rather petrified. It took a lot of coaxing to convince her of the common enemy, and that not even Sauron would hurt non-Sues at this point. They just had to get rid of them.

"Where are your sons? My lord said we must fetch them too."

"They are on the second floor. The Sues enjoy spending time with them, but not vice-versa," Elrond said tiredly. This business was a bit too radical.  
The Witch-king dismounted and threw his cloak to the ground. None of the Sues could walk in the Seen and Unseen, even if they said they could. The Sues were definitely not of Aman. And besides, it did not work like that anyway.

He made his way past the roaming Mary-Sues. They all felt him, anyone could, but none of them knew what it was. They were too stupid to realize anyway.  
On the second floor, there was a locked door. The sign outside said "Elrohir & Elladan" in bright pink. There was a heart dotting the "i" in Elrohir's name.  
He threw open the door. The two were sitting inside. He saw that they were reading a note. It was probably from Elrond. The Witch-king cleared his throat. The brother's eyes looked to find him but found nothing. So they stared at his general direction.

"You are to come with us. I think your father should have told you about the deal we made," he said. The brothers seemed doubtful.

"We don't trust you," one began.

"But we trust the Sues even less," the other finished. With that, the Witch-king led them outside via hole in the wall. His fell beast was waiting for them. Arwen and Elrond were clutching her tightly.

"My sons," Elrond said. "I hope you got the note."

"We did, Adar."

Soon, they were flying to Mordor. Hopefully, the Mary-Sues didn't realize two of their favorite Elves were missing until the Nazgûl looked like birds in the now darkening night sky.

**a/n: Shorter chapter. I'm probably going to write the third today. I don't like this chapter very much (I find it a bit choppy), though. Anyway, please review! :) **

**Spitfire* - if you look up a certain Mary-Sue litmus test, they ask if your character has a "spitfire personality". This goes for when people mark a temper as when the character always has something witty and clever to say. I don't know about you, but when I'm angry, I do not say anything clever and witty. **


	3. In Which Unfunny Statements are Made

**a/n: Sorry about not updating. This chapter involves plotting, fourth wall breaking, crying, Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale, perverted Nazgûl, and more rescuing. Also, more drinking. I decided to play a bit on a Sue's misconception about Lúthien. And uh, I think I accidentally referenced to Percy Jackson and the Olympians in this chapter. Huh. Oh well. I don't mean to offend any Yankees fans or whatever, but I couldn't think of any other hat. :P**

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, would I be writing fan fiction? No.**

**Anyway, on with the story!**

* * *

Arwen Undómiel tried not to hate people. It was kind of hard, she thought, when said "people" were almost biting your head off. It was not in her nature to be cruel and vicious to people, but this Sue, the one called the Morningstar, was so _annoying_.

"And so then he said," said the Sue. "That I was the likeness of Lúthien come on earth again!" Arwen pursed her lips.

"Funny," Arwen commented. "Someone once said something like that to me."

"Yeah but your hair is dark and everyone knows Lúthien was a _blond_," the Sue said. Why, Arwen thought, does this thing, have to bother me whilst I eat? Arwen forced a thin lipped smile and took a sip of water.

The plan, at least, what she had heard, was to rescue people from the areas most affected and then terminate the Sues. It would be a good plan if Mordor wasn't so overrun with them.

* * *

Elrond Peredhel frowned. Sauron's plan was a bit flaky. What if the Elvish archers in Mirkwood shot at the Ringwraiths? What if the people of Gondor fled at the sight of them? The Eagles were only relaying a message because they themselves found a shapeshifting!Sue in their midst.

Elrond sighed, and the Witch-king looked at him curiously. Or, about as curious looking you can get without a face. Whatever, in the Witch-king's mind, he was curious, and this is a dropped hint about self confidence and society!

"So," Sauron said. Under any normal circumstances he would have not used that word, but his "daughters" used it a lot. "What do you propose we do, Elrond Peredhel? If my Nazgûl are going to be harmed in any potential way that allows them to-"

"Wait!" One of the Nazgûl interrupted. "Do you hear that?"

"Yes," Elrohir said. "I do hear it."

"As do I," Elladan added.

"I believe," Elrond said rather testily. "That someone is knocking at the door."

"Muh lord?" a gruff voice came through the door. "Somewaan iz here to see ya!"

"Oh, for my sake you incompetent fool, Uruk-hai Number Seventy Three, do not talk like that!" Sauron snapped. "Are you a Sue or not?"

"Mah name iz Derrick," Uruk-hai Number 73 said.

"Do not be such a fool!" The Witch-king said. "No one in all of Arda or Valinor or anywhere in relation to Middle-earth is named _Derrick_."

Elrohir stifled a laugh. Elladan glared at him. The grim-twins, the Nazgûl sometimes referred to them in private.

"Yuh dun't understnd, mahlord. Mah name iz Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale."

"Elrohir, Elladan." Sauron said. "Would you be oh so kind and slay Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale?"

"Gladly," Elladan said. Elrohir smirked. The two unsheathed their swords and swung open the door. Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale blinked. He wore a Yankees cap on his head. Sauron blinked.

"What in actual Mount Doom?"

"It is a Sue specimen, this cap," Elrond noted dryly. "Many of them from "real Earth" or "the future" support teams that play slightly barbaric games. This is an artifact of a sporty!Sue. I do not understand where Seventy Three got it."

"Nor do I," Sauron added. "But slay him now, so I can plan!" Elrohir and Elladan quickly did so. The Yankees cap fell on the ground. Elladan and Elrohir slipped back inside and shut the door. Sauron looked a bit green.

"I can never get used to that," he muttered. "Remind me to put new slaves, I mean, servants on my to-do list." Khamûl snickered. The Sues had taught them all about perverted jokes.

"Witch-king!" Sauron shouted. "Put new slaves on my list of things to renovate! Also, the game-room is slightly too small. What are you snickering at, Khamûl? Hurry on!" Instantly, the Nazgûl took out pads of parchment and quills and scribbled 'new slaves i meen servants game room 2 small renovate' on the pads.

Sauron leaned back in his chair. "Being a dark lord is so hard," he informed Elrond. Elrond smiled weakly.

"I suppose it is."

"I mean, you do-gooders have it easy. Kill the bad guys!" Sauron went on. "I have to come up with ingenious plots and devices. Annatar, rings, blah blah blah. Screw this!" Sauron stood up. "I'm going to take a nap." he announced. The With-king also stood.

"My lord," he said cautiously. "You are doing it again."

"Doing what?" Sauron snapped angrily.

"Being Out-of-Character, or Ohohsee." Sauron paled.

"We must get rid of those Sues," he said with renewed vigor. Elrond nodded.

"But even the wisest cannot tell how long that will take."

"Elrond Peredhel," Sauron complained. "You totally stole _her _line."

"Who?" Elrond asked, blinking.

"Galadriel. Man, I hate her. Say, author-woman!" Sauron turned to face the screen. "How dare you bring this up!"

"Stop," the fanfic writer commanded. "You are breaking the fourth wall. That does not fit with the flow of this story. If you continue, I shall bring Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale back to life. I am not liking this new meta fictional fourth wall breaking spin the story is taking."

"Please stop," Elladan said. The fanfic writer smiled.

"I am going to hit backspace now," said the fanfic writer. As she did, the last few scenes were eaten up by her computer.

* * *

Elrond blinked, rubbing his eyes.

"What was that?" he asked.

"I don't know," Sauron said. "I feel like something has just been erased from my memory. Say, what is that?" A Yankees cap sat on the center of the table. Elrohir frowned.

"My sword is covered in blood!" Elladan exclaimed. The Nazgûl stifled more laughs. It's pervy!Nazgûl.

"Stop," Elrond said. "That is not funny."

"Okay," the Witch-king said, not really meaning it.

"Father," Elrohir said. "Does the name Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale ring any bells?"

"No," Elrond lied. "It does not. A rather ridiculous name, if you ask me. Anyway, let's just go with the old plan. You have plenty of fell beasts."

"Yes," Sauron agreed. "We do." The Nazgûl took that as their cue to leave. The Witch-king took a fell beast named Bûthkurl. She was a nice fell beast. Her scales were _shiny. _

The Witch-king stroked Bûthkurl's head. She purred. Or screeched. He couldn't tell the difference.

"Nazgûl ready?" he asked the others. One of them glared.

"No! This riding business makes me all stiff."

"WAIT!" a voice screeched. Khamûl, from his place next to the Witch-king, sighed.

"Not her."

"Y'all almost forgot me!" the Tenth Nazgûl said.

"How many times do we have to remind you that you are not the Tenth Nazgûl. You are insolent little girl playing dress up. Get that in your head!" the Witch-king said in a tone so icy it would instill fear in the hearts Elf-lords. Not really, but it would scare a Sue silly. The Witch-king nudged Bûthkurl and she knocked the Tenth Nazgûl over.

"Quick!" the Witch-king shouted. "Make haste, _y'all_!"

And they did. Over the next few hours, they picked up drunk men, hobbits, Dwarves, and Elves.

"Now I know why the Eagles hate this. I feel like Middle-earth's taxi service." Khamûl grumbled.

"What is a tacksee service?" the Witch-king inquired. He could feel the presence of the One Ring, though Sues rendered it powerless.

"I dunno," Khamûl replied. "I heard someone talking about it once. I think they have it in "real Earth" or "the future". Something like that."

"Oh," the Witch-king said. Behind him, Frodo Baggins sighed.

"This is not very pleasant," the hobbit said, taking a swig of Legolas's beer. Boromir groaned.

"I refuse to believe Elrond Peredhel has asked you all to do this, yet here we are. Thank you for rescuing me from the clutches of the Sues, however. They are much worse than Nazgûl."

The Witch-king's head spun. Apparently, a bunch of insolent (he liked that word, m'kay?) teenagers were more imposing than him.

"I assure you they are not, Boromir of Gondor," the Witch-king said stiffly.

"I never knew Nazgûl could talk normally, not as if they were speaking through a filter," Boromir said thoughtfully.

"Please," one of the Nazgûl said. "Drink this beer so you stop making statements that are not funny."

* * *

**Like the Nazgûl say, I should stop making statements that are not funny. Oh well. This chapter had less action than I hoped for. What did you guys think of the fourth wall breaking? I might bring Derrick Flynn-Beckinsale back to life. Anyway, please review! The last chapter didn't get any. :) **


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